(another) fresh start

hello all.

here is another one of my attempts to putting down my life in writing. my last appearance was sometime in 2008 when i had an urge to capture my dreams and try to decipher their meanings. its it now 2 years later, much has changed. my change has to do with growing up and i am quickly learning that "growing up" means holding in alot (and i am NOT good at doing that) this is where this blog comes in, i will let all my anger and frustration out here and hopefully chronicle my life a bit to have something to long back to and know that this was mine, a place for me.

ok, lets start, shall we? i will not be using real names even though it is highly unlikely the people and place i work at will ever read this blog, better to be safe than sorry! and trust me i have alot to be sorry for. i live in brooklyn with my fiance. i work in the healthcare industry and this is where alot of my red hot feelings come from. i spend 9-5 , 5 days a week there. thats a bit chunk of my life spent feeling angry, upset, lonely, like an outsider.

This is where it all starts. It's the Monday before I head back to work, a whole new work week. I'm nervous to know how the rest of my time at STU will be. I've only with STU for about 5 months and it is already to a very VERY bad start. I'm part of a team comprised of 4 other women. 4 other women that all get along and chit-chat and gossip in the back (in my line of vision)  while i sit an work. I feel like shit  when they do that and they do it everyday. I have never felt this insecure, not even in high school.

Perhaps if I explain a bit about each of them you will understand they way I feel OR it just might make you think that I'm a whiny bitch. In that case you can go read another blog and get your face out of mine! Let's start off in the degree of least pungent and annoying, Kristen is a very nice girl, mostly quiet and keeps to herself, but is still part of their group. Second is Sam, the oldest of the group. Crazy, fake, attention-whore, and old are a few words that come to mind when I think of her. Compared to the rest I've known her the longest and confided in her only to find out she is on their side. Wanting to fit in and laugh about me behind my back. The third, the on that was a lone sheep out of the group and I brought her in and she left me behind. But thats a whole different story where I totally fucked up. But this is and acts very young and childish, she should also learn to shut her mouth or perhaps she just talks that was to me and regarding me. Her name is Pricilla. And finally the last of this wretched group the worst of them all. And let me add in that even though she is thoroughly annoying, I know deep down inside its because I'm a hater and that is why I have such a difficult time with her. She thinks she is so pretty and smart (i cannot for for the life me figure out if she is really smart or if she's just really good at guessing) anyways she is the fakest fake can get, her voice is utterly annoying, and yet she is such a good actor that she captivates all who enters her show. All my bosses love her, all my colleagues love her, and she, SHE is the center of this group. I can't win.

connielol

i was walking around in a place like chinatown or flushing with my a couple of my friends, maybe 6 of them. we were looking for a place to eat. the lighting was an overexposed kind of feel, kinda like when you go to the eye doctor and get your pupils dialated and your eyes are sensitive to the sun but not to that extreme. anyways we find a place and go in, we sit in a small room in the back where the table does an "L" shaped thing. i look down to find a place to sit and the food is already here with our names written into the meal. i find my bowl of pho with "connielol" written on it. i sit down next to my friend vuthy and start eating and unpacking this box he had given me with an adapter that connects to my webcam thats connected to my laptop. then i wake up

what does this all mean? and how in the world do people you havent seen in a years end up in your dreams? odd. and now i want some viet food

Lonely Memorial Day

One of the better weekends since i've been back from Antigua. I didnt spend it on my couch all alone and i didnt spend it in the hospital. What a relief. My lurve came home from Michigan for 2 days to hang out with me. We spent the weekend just lounging around, leisurely walks in williamsburg, shopping at the cheese shop, and eating alot of good food.



We are rounding the 4 year mark of our relationship, but it seems that we are never together. We have spent at least 1/2 of our relationship apart due to med school. It seems that alot of the time i spend saying "good bye" to him, its quite depressing.



And with that here is one of the most creative, original, and romantic music videos ever. Check it out

http://youtube.com/watch?v=qz7vGW2_5c0

haircut

my life recently has been a wirlwind of doctors, hiding out on the couch, hospital beds, bruised veins, and judge mathis. since the day i've been home from antigua nothing has been going my way. i've been in and out of the hospital for the second time this month. its seems as though my Lupus has gotten the better of me and now i feel as if there is nothing in my life that i can control. so what do i do? i went out yesterday afternoon and chopped my hair off. its stupid but i feel that its the only part of me that i have control over. also its very depressing to see your beautiful hair fall out in clumps.

i've always been told that my lupus was mild and that i'd be fine. i lived life the way i always wanted, all the while with the thought lupus lingering in the back of my mind. never have i imagined that this disease would take me and leave me life crippled. in the last 8 months i have not done anything that i'd normally do. no going out dancing, no going to the gym, no job, no nothing. this is not living life....will this flare ever end?

i'm 24 and, yes, i believe in global warming

yesterday i turned 24 and had an epiphany, actually it was like breakdown. living in antigua has shown me the effects of Lupus on my body due to the moisture in the air. Rheumatoid arthritis is commonly associated with Lupus and all my life since i've been diagnosed i've had a pretty easy life in terms of living with my lupus. i have a pretty mild case and i never had the face rash, allergy to the sun, or joint pain. as i get older, i start to feel the effects of aging. i can't stay up late anymore , everything i eat affects my weight, and the detierotion of my body. (and i must apologize for my incorrect usage of the words "affect" and "effect", i wasnt a very good student growing up) anyways here in antigua my joints are swollen, most of the time i can function just fine with a bit of discomfort. but then there are days like today where it hurts to turn the doorknob, open cabinets, or even just to type. i can't help to think that i'm only 24 and i have the joint of a 60 year old person. i can't imagine how life with be in the future. my only reaction is the feeling of being cheated of a life that most people live. will i be able to carry my children? will people look at me as weak? will i be a burden on my family?

i watched "An Inconvenient Truth" for the second time today. i dont usually bring this up in conversations with people because i feel its a sensitive subject. not because i'll get into a great debate, but because these types of convos tend to get really serious and dark and kills the mood. but i would like to point out and remind myself that i do believe in global warming and that i need to do my part. at the end of the movie there is a link www.climatecrisis.net there is a pdf that shows 10 things that you could do to contribute. and i dont know any of my friends that cant do at least 8 of these 10 things.

it is time to take a more active part not only in the fight to lower carbon emissions but in terms of my health also. unplugging electronics when i'm not using them, eating veggies, excersising, not using the AC when i dont have to, taking vitamins, using less electricity, carpooling.....*fist in the air*

and the asian family cycle goes on

alot of the times i wonder where i come from. seriously, i am the odd piece out in my family. i am not family oriented, i dont obey my parents, i talk back, i'm independent, i like to be an individual. on the other hand my siblings listen to my parents and they get along very well with them.

i think the number one thing about being from an asian family is that there is no emotion involved. i can barely remember the last time anyone from my family hugged me, let alone give me a kiss on the cheek or forehead. i also think that communication is key to any relationship. and it completely frustrates me that i can't convey any feelings toward my parents. they dont understand it. when i cry my mother laughs and my father gets angry. i try to explain that there is a problem with our relationship. no one will hear me out; my dad just walks out and doesnt want to deal with it. its never a good time for him, his famous line is "i come home after work and all i want to do is relax, and you ruined it". and my mother, i think why we but heads is because i dont agree with the way she handles situations. she never speaks up for herself especially when it comes to my father, she rather sacrifice her happiness inorder not to make him upset. so it doesnt matter if spend a whole night crying, she just chooses not to acknowledge it so that my father doesnt get upset.

and that worst part of all this is that i see in my siblings' eyes what i see from my parents' eyes. they are starting to pull away from me and they dont understand me. ugh... too frustrated to finish. but i do know a solution to all this. just be civil and stop trying to get me to treat me as part of the family and just treat them like acquaintances

goodbye family.

learning the hard way

recently i've noticed a revival of Xanga. i decided to check out my old blogs and such. looking through the chronicles of my college life. i've realized all the stupid crap that i've overcome. in all honesty it showed me all my failed relationships and all the heartache i went through because of stupid guys and my inexperienced mindset. one in particular made me feel really embarrassed that i even liked him, that i opened up myself to him, and in the end just to end up with a mountain of drama and a broken heart. I know that its the big relationships that leave an impression on your heart that never fades, but its also those in between-relationships that make you realize how desperate and ugly you really can get. Looking back.... i don't even know what i saw in him. i think its one of those ugly duckling feelings. I had a crush on him in HS, he was cool and i was not. He was always hanging out with his cool friends, playing pool, and just always knew what to wear. And i....i was the girl with the bushy eyebrows, braces, and an awkward smile. When i finally bumped into him again in college i was definitely different and i got him to notice me and it felt great. I did the craziest things for him and i thought he really liked me, thank God i found out in time before anything really bad happened that i would of regretted for the rest of my life. Guys are so sneaky like that and at the same time i was such an idiot. I look at our old xangas and its to apparent to me now. he was two-timing me. and the other girl would comment right under mine. HOW COULD I NOT SEE!!!

i'm not really sure why this one came into mind... but all i can say is that it was a learning experience. it hurt my heart cause i gave my all and i thought i was ready. but the best lesson i learned from it was to follow my gut instinct. even though i couldnt see for myself because what i wanted was greater than knowing the truth, but deep down inside i always knew he would be bad for me. he was bad in HS, he was bad for me in college, and he's probably still a douchington. if you're a good guy girls will know, its a gut instinct. whether they choose to follow that instinct is another story.