and the asian family cycle goes on

alot of the times i wonder where i come from. seriously, i am the odd piece out in my family. i am not family oriented, i dont obey my parents, i talk back, i'm independent, i like to be an individual. on the other hand my siblings listen to my parents and they get along very well with them.

i think the number one thing about being from an asian family is that there is no emotion involved. i can barely remember the last time anyone from my family hugged me, let alone give me a kiss on the cheek or forehead. i also think that communication is key to any relationship. and it completely frustrates me that i can't convey any feelings toward my parents. they dont understand it. when i cry my mother laughs and my father gets angry. i try to explain that there is a problem with our relationship. no one will hear me out; my dad just walks out and doesnt want to deal with it. its never a good time for him, his famous line is "i come home after work and all i want to do is relax, and you ruined it". and my mother, i think why we but heads is because i dont agree with the way she handles situations. she never speaks up for herself especially when it comes to my father, she rather sacrifice her happiness inorder not to make him upset. so it doesnt matter if spend a whole night crying, she just chooses not to acknowledge it so that my father doesnt get upset.

and that worst part of all this is that i see in my siblings' eyes what i see from my parents' eyes. they are starting to pull away from me and they dont understand me. ugh... too frustrated to finish. but i do know a solution to all this. just be civil and stop trying to get me to treat me as part of the family and just treat them like acquaintances

goodbye family.

learning the hard way

recently i've noticed a revival of Xanga. i decided to check out my old blogs and such. looking through the chronicles of my college life. i've realized all the stupid crap that i've overcome. in all honesty it showed me all my failed relationships and all the heartache i went through because of stupid guys and my inexperienced mindset. one in particular made me feel really embarrassed that i even liked him, that i opened up myself to him, and in the end just to end up with a mountain of drama and a broken heart. I know that its the big relationships that leave an impression on your heart that never fades, but its also those in between-relationships that make you realize how desperate and ugly you really can get. Looking back.... i don't even know what i saw in him. i think its one of those ugly duckling feelings. I had a crush on him in HS, he was cool and i was not. He was always hanging out with his cool friends, playing pool, and just always knew what to wear. And i....i was the girl with the bushy eyebrows, braces, and an awkward smile. When i finally bumped into him again in college i was definitely different and i got him to notice me and it felt great. I did the craziest things for him and i thought he really liked me, thank God i found out in time before anything really bad happened that i would of regretted for the rest of my life. Guys are so sneaky like that and at the same time i was such an idiot. I look at our old xangas and its to apparent to me now. he was two-timing me. and the other girl would comment right under mine. HOW COULD I NOT SEE!!!

i'm not really sure why this one came into mind... but all i can say is that it was a learning experience. it hurt my heart cause i gave my all and i thought i was ready. but the best lesson i learned from it was to follow my gut instinct. even though i couldnt see for myself because what i wanted was greater than knowing the truth, but deep down inside i always knew he would be bad for me. he was bad in HS, he was bad for me in college, and he's probably still a douchington. if you're a good guy girls will know, its a gut instinct. whether they choose to follow that instinct is another story.